A letter

To my baby,
I want to tell you a little about out about life before we have seen each other face to face, even though I know you have been with my with for the last 9 months.
Carrying you has been a joy. A treat, a delight. The things I do in the everyday feel that extra bit special whilst you are with me. When I walk down to the ocean and sit and stare I feel like I'm doing it for not just me but for us. When we sit alone at the cafe and take too long to drink a pot of tea and read a few pages of the paper and have avo toast. These quiet moments make me feel deeply content in the simplest way. When I swim slowly through the ocean I always think of you and wonder whether you can tell I'm swimming...whether you can detect my heart slowing as I take deep breaths and move calmly through the water - how much I love it and am trying to soak in and remember the feelings, the time, the place we are in.
There was one particular afternoon at Oak I remember. Despite having an ocean pool literally on our doorstep I knew I wanted to drive around to get to this spot. I'm so glad I did. I can still clearly see the last rays of sun sparkle through as I looked up and out from under the water. It was magical glitteryness and I was thinking of you, drinking it in barely comprehending how good life is! Then the other day at South - I was hesitant to get in as there was the slightest Autumn chill, but once I did I couldn't stop dipping under ..."one last time" I kept thinking. I kind of hate thinking of the last of things with you so close to me! For a second it feels almost tinged with sadness. But that's too nostalgic, we have a lifetime to swim together baby girl!
Then there's your Dad. He is my favourite thing on this earth, I adore him. We tell each other these things every day. I trust him and love him with everything I have within me and am so excited for us to grow together - you and the brothers and sisters we will hopefully give you. I often rest my tummy on him as we fall asleep together and he can feel you moving around. He thinks of you, prays for you and has cried with joy. He dreamt of you vividly the other night and when he woke up from the dream he was in a happy sleepy daze and so content he told me 5 times over how beautiful your smile was, he said it was just like mine.
I sense you having a strong spirit, a girl who deeply understands who she is...who isn't afraid to stand alone and be herself. I see you as a girl, then a woman, who lives out of freedom. Someone had a vision of you with flowers in your hair, I saw this in a field. You were alone but never lonely. You will always have people wanting to follow your path and you are so sure of your direction that it is no problem to have them follow. In fact it is a blessing as you are heading the right way, leading the others. You know your creator deeply and easily and you follow him with absolute freedom.
Back to you as my baby.
I have loved feeling your pointy little elbows and feet in my tummy. You roll and kick a lot but you have never once hurt me! My body has embraced you, I haven't been sick or uncomfortable - but I did take a lot of naps in the first months. It was amazing how work slowed down and allowed this to happen without a stress. I'd get on that couch right under the window that got the afternoon sun and sleep for as long as I felt like. What a luxury.
Gods blessing is ripe and rich in your life already.
You have been fiercely protected. We had a car accident in America on our way to the lake and it does sometimes make my heart race a little when I think of it. I can see how much God desires you on this earth. "From my mothers womb, you have chosen me...". Nothing but angels and His mighty hand held back that windscreen from touching us in that crash. The space that was protected was shaped perfectly for a mother holding a child! I didn't even have a single scratch below my chest. We went to the hospital to get checked but being in a small town meant that we couldn't get an ultrasound to check on you until the following day. There was a deep peace though that you were ok, and that night as we laid down to go to sleep I felt you move and we cried and cried. "No trauma for our girl" we prayed. We held each other and really got a sense of what was most important in life.
You've come on lots of jobs with me. Lately I've been working on some travel guides making trails all over Sydney. We've eaten some of the most amazing food (and wine...and maybe a spritz or two) this city has to offer. You never made it hard for me. I was proud how easily it was to continue to work in this job that I love right up until last week. Dad helped out at the end here. We could have managed on our own I guess - but when I love his company more than anything it is the perfect excuse to see and try new things together.
I had the feeling you'd come early, but today is your 'due date' and you're still feeling pretty comfy in there so my feelings were off!! I am happy to keep pottering around with you until you're ready girly girl but wow we are so excited to hold you. There is already so much love for you. I have people checking in most hours of the day, the anticipation of your arrival is pretty amazing.
You have a beautiful home to start life in. It's right by the ocean and we have been preparing it slowly but surely to see that it runs as smoothly as possible. You're gonna love it here.
Peace and glory are all over you my girl, I am so grateful.
Please come soon. Like today. or tomorrow. or the next.
I know I'll love you forever no matter what

Photos: Trish Chong of Tealily Photography at 36 weeks @ home in Cronulla. 

Thank you beautiful lady, I truly couldn't have planned or imagined a better, easier time hanging out at home with someone having photos taken...in my undies at sunrise no less. You are so mightily talented with the camera in your hands and have a true gift that goes far beyond the photos you take...I'll treasure these.

Mornings

Some mornings you just wake up more hungry for adventure than others. So I got up, had a bath and came to my computer to look for something. I quickly found myself taking an early morning walk around Seminyak and it seems a couple of hours have slipped off the clock but I'm now ready (rather than restless) to start this day. 

Photos: Rachel Kara 

a record

I was planning a wedding, my wedding, shooting, editing, emailing every day up until the day. Comprehending the end of a era and preparing for a new one. I wasn't nervous for us, it was for them...especially her. It crowded my mind (its slowly easing), filtered into my dreams, disrupted my sleep, hurt my head and made me cry out "Why?!".
But now I'm with him and I know I can love them from here - where I wake up to this and stare out at that and know that I am on the shore and everyone else is slowly swimming in too.

xx It's been two months but I am back!

A table

The ever elusive Kinfolk long tabled lunch club, we made it. I don't really know how (and we did get a little lost along the very windy roaded way) but we did. Styled to the point of imperfect perfection my brain can't comprehend and all details accounted for in every corner of every place the eye can see. Light bouncing everywhere, raucous laughter from our end of the table, some almost awkward interactions and some very easy, natural, simple like minded ones to make up for the former...the beauty of throwing a group of strangers together and share around a table and a meal...but not just any table....this was the Kinfolk table! 

A big thank you to our warm and welcoming hosts, beautiful Natalie of Eat Read Lover and extremely talented artist, Lisa Madigan, whose home we invaded. Hannah Rose Yee & Amanda Bechara, you make any occasion as good as it could possibly be. 

My life feels so rich at the moment...bursting with activity - and slight chaos - but intensely full and dynamic which is why I haven't been hanging around here too much. Rest is coming and when it does I will unleash the last few months worth of stimulation upon you. 

xx 

How to deal

I think once is enough for anyone to feel qualified in giving advice on how to deal with heartache/break. Someone who shares my home seems to be going through it right now so I have been letting my mind wander back a number of years and drawing on that one time, wanting to vocalise what I found helped me mend...but I quickly remembered how much unsolicited advice doesn't help so where better to indulge myself than right here, a self published archive of my life.
I will try and keep it simple.
one. READ. But not just anything, and definitely no psychology or self help books. Read fiction...things that force you to escape the present. Something like; Girl with the Dragon Tattoo - fast paced, addictive, hard assed and (hopefully) pretty removed from the realities of your life.
two. CRY a little. But not too much. Don't stop yourself from partaking in such a beautiful, natural healing therapy but don't go and just swim in sadness with the excuse of catharsis at the ready as a defence. It's a fine balance.
three. WAKE to watch the sunrise. It gets you out of bed. There's something more than metaphorical about watching a new day arrive right before your eyes. It's magic. Weeping may endure the night, but joy comes in the morning. 
four. BE alone. Try and enjoy it. Introverts - this is much easier for us. I thrived on finding I could sit and collage and read blogs and stare at the ocean and walk and potter around my room and sort through old photos and go to op-shops whenever I wanted, for however long I wanted with absolutely no regard for anyone or anything else around me. It's funny how the absence of one person can makes you feel like you are absent from any/all social commitments whatsoever.
five. REMEMBER your dreams. I believe things don't work out when at the end of the day (or month or year or decade) your deepest, inmost, core values and needs aren't aligning with the person you were  with. Which means you may have forgotten a few things about yourself along the way. Get back to that place where you remember you without the influence of another.
six. (re)ESTABLISH your ideas. On all the big things, spirituality was the major one for me. It ended up being the anchor for everything else. Educate yourself, read, research but also listen for the things that cannot be put into words.
seven. GO out with your friends. You may want to lock yourself in a cave at night. Don't. You also may want to go out and not come home. Also a big don't. Go out, have a drank, have fun, try dance even if it's just for a little bit. Be disappointed by the lack of quality men at bars, talk about it with all your other single girlfriends and pact to keep going out together but definitely not for the men.
eight. LOVE again, some day. Don't look for it. Sometimes (if you're a romantic) it's easy to forget there's more of a point to our existence than that intoxicating feeling of being 'in love'. Half the time the feelings a trap anyway so just get on with making your days and self happy.

Say cheese.

And don't take other peoples advice.

xR

Photos: Alison Scarpulla, Feaverish

something old something new

Anyone who knows me well has probably sited that maroon journal, which rather conveniently disguises itself as an old french novel, hanging out of my bag at any given time. For the past year or so it's off white pages have seen my brains knots and tangles being scribbled across the pages in an attempt to process & remember the goings on of my life. When I spotted a cardboard box with that familiar french type "LES HISTOIRES..." on the shelf I felt like I was seeing my oldest, bestest friends twin sister who I instantly and unquestionably have a connection with. Inside the box was a wallet of the slightly manly variety but that did not matter one bit especially when it was made from tanned, sturdy-but-soft leather with hand stitching details and a button up coin pocket. After pawing at it then realising it wasn't pay day I moved on to try some Bassike chinos or Jac + Jack cashmere that caught my eye (I know what you're thinking but no they were on sale so don't count - thinking of what I save > spend), as they do, and by the time I was out of the change room and back to the counter my absolute sweetheart had bought me a gift and what do you know...that slightly manly, beautiful, brown, O-Check wallet is now mine!

Photos: Rachel Kara

fffiesta

A midweek mexican feast is promised.

It's not a party without some kitchen woes.

Whoever said a microwave can't cook 50+ tortillas at once was wrong.

Sangria! Putting the fie (Spanish for 'guarantee'..I looked it up) in fiesta since forever.

Aodhannn. Notice gun to head action in background.

People hurt my head...time to climb stairs.

My steadfast companion and his burritos.

Freedom! You taste so sweet and you are so free.

We talked of rhyme & reason whilst straddling a rooftop wall before progressing to a derelict couch. Great night had by us :)

The end.

Sorry about the slow posting. Lots to come x

Photos: Rachel Kara