I bought a journal. This o-check design journal infact.
I thought if it was pretty I'd be more likely to use it but have quickly come to realise - or maybe just admit - that I am straight up awkward when it come to pen, paper and private thoughts. Heck, I think I've shared more of my inner self with this damm blogspot (which is potentially accessible to [according to www.internetworldstats.com] almost 2 BILLION people) than I ever have with any form of handwriting tools.
So I'm sorry journal but here's my entry for today. Don't be jealous.
2011 started with no big bang.
Midnight hit. All I wanted was to curl in to a ball and have my non-existant lover stroke my hair as we fell sweetly and silently asleep by each others side.
Reality was, there were enough faces in and around my home to scare my sometimes painfully and naturally introverted self. It was confronting. My insides were squirming. I had chosen to invite them here?
...but I do come from a family of performers and like they say
"the show must go on!"so as the clock struck 12 I hoo-ed and ha-ed with the crowd whilst my mind wandered far from home.
I wanted to wake up from a beautiful rest with the fire in my gut reignited by the potential opportunity, mystery, adventure and discoveries the turn of a calendar year can bring.
Direction, certainty and at least a faint sense of security as welcomed accompaniments.
What felt like an eternity later the party was dying down as the sun was coming up and a couple of things came crashing down upon on me:
1. An honest look at what was/is my greatest desire (so here's where I draw the line on what 2 billion can know about me!) and,
2. For the 6 months or so that I have just passed I have been more or less trying to 'extrovert' myself.
It is only just occurring to me how tiring and laboursome it has been but I have done what I needed to do.
I woke from a short and unsatisfying sleep stepped into the shower and as the water fell I had word that that season is over. "You can be you" over and over. "You can be you". I liked it and felt a little calmer, a little more comfortable in my skin.
I don't have a resoltuion or plan for the year as yet so I will leave this post with all it's ugly ends hanging loose for now.
Photos: , Rachel Kara
Disclaimer: I get my tenses mixed up a lot and make up my own grammar and punctuation therefore I'm sure my writing is a bitch to read, but this isn't about you. This is now also officially my private journal.
You can still enjoy my photos?