for me

The year has begun and I am still not quite settled but I am most certainly trying. 

The whole fireworked up celebratory eve may come and go with little to no effect so can be easy to skim over, but I'm seeing and learning how important the cycle of a new year is to human endeavor (the broadest, most appropriate term I could think of, sorry). I think we need these markers. A chance to stop, reflect, reevaluate and go marching forward with fresh vigour and motivation. Heres what I've been thinking about:

1. Follow through. I think I've always been bad with this. I like to start projects and tire of them very easily. I get bored. I skim many surfaces. I absorb enough information to feign knowledge very quickly so can move on very quickly. I have new ideas that are better and fresher than my current unfinished one. I get restless. I find it almost physically impossible sometimes to stick with what I am doing. Around the house I am known to leave cupboard doors & drawers open, socks in the laundry basket when hanging the washing out and the last few dirty plates beside a full sink of hot water. 

Its normal for me to have 13 tabs open - a few with images waiting to be saved, emails to be completed and surely a few draft blog posts waiting for the attention they deserve.

I am known for not replying to text messages. 

So...I'm not looking to slow down my mind or stop it looking for the next thing but I  do need to make conscious efforts to finish things off. Starting with the everyday tasks which will naturally progress to the more path & life changing projects. 

2. Worry. When looking back on 2012 I realised a lot of my memory was jaded with worry. Usually money related. On the first of January my love was laying in bed with me as I came to this realisation and pointed out that I had made it until now paying for everything I need (and a lot more) and without my worry I still would have ended up at the same point but with a less furrowed brow and more joyful memories of my working weeks. 

So...this year I will not waste my energy worrying. I will focus, see work come and the finance will follow and I'll live to tell a greater tale come 2014. 

which brings me to...

3. Focus. I do a lot. I try to do a lot. I spent early mornings and late nights and weekends at my computer last year. I had up to 3 rather irregular part time jobs that I let take up all my 'free' hours to supplement my income from photography which was somewhat neglected probably because of said jobs. Going to work ended up being counterproductive. The time that I had 'off' was plagued with backlogs of unedited photos and guilt. I look back and see it's a vicious cycle.  I was never disconnected from what I wanted which was making me anxious, rather than driven, with each new day that I didn't achieve what I wanted. I am the type that feeds off positive energy & feedback and so with each moment of disappointment in myself I probably sunk a little further back. I mean, I wasn't miserable...and yes there were moments of true glory in what I just made sound like gloom but I guess I do just want a lot and can get a little impatient with the rate at which life moves!  So...I am streamlining my part time work to 1 job, 2 (and a half) days a week - what I need to pay rent & bills. The rest is for photos. I don't want to just take what photography jobs come, I am defining my vision and going after it. I will be committed to my dream and flexible to fit in with the unexpected ways in which life may present it. 

And one day selah - no computer or emails. A chance to rest and recharge.   

And with that I have come to my 9pm computer cut off time so I will have to share the rest with you at another appropriate time.

What do you want more or less of in 2013? 

I want to take at least one Arthur Elgort-esque, Claudia Schiffer at the lunch table in 'Roman Holiday' type photo. Actually - I just want to shoot a little more like Elgort as an all round rule. 

Will keep you posted. x 

How to deal

I think once is enough for anyone to feel qualified in giving advice on how to deal with heartache/break. Someone who shares my home seems to be going through it right now so I have been letting my mind wander back a number of years and drawing on that one time, wanting to vocalise what I found helped me mend...but I quickly remembered how much unsolicited advice doesn't help so where better to indulge myself than right here, a self published archive of my life.
I will try and keep it simple.
one. READ. But not just anything, and definitely no psychology or self help books. Read fiction...things that force you to escape the present. Something like; Girl with the Dragon Tattoo - fast paced, addictive, hard assed and (hopefully) pretty removed from the realities of your life.
two. CRY a little. But not too much. Don't stop yourself from partaking in such a beautiful, natural healing therapy but don't go and just swim in sadness with the excuse of catharsis at the ready as a defence. It's a fine balance.
three. WAKE to watch the sunrise. It gets you out of bed. There's something more than metaphorical about watching a new day arrive right before your eyes. It's magic. Weeping may endure the night, but joy comes in the morning. 
four. BE alone. Try and enjoy it. Introverts - this is much easier for us. I thrived on finding I could sit and collage and read blogs and stare at the ocean and walk and potter around my room and sort through old photos and go to op-shops whenever I wanted, for however long I wanted with absolutely no regard for anyone or anything else around me. It's funny how the absence of one person can makes you feel like you are absent from any/all social commitments whatsoever.
five. REMEMBER your dreams. I believe things don't work out when at the end of the day (or month or year or decade) your deepest, inmost, core values and needs aren't aligning with the person you were  with. Which means you may have forgotten a few things about yourself along the way. Get back to that place where you remember you without the influence of another.
six. (re)ESTABLISH your ideas. On all the big things, spirituality was the major one for me. It ended up being the anchor for everything else. Educate yourself, read, research but also listen for the things that cannot be put into words.
seven. GO out with your friends. You may want to lock yourself in a cave at night. Don't. You also may want to go out and not come home. Also a big don't. Go out, have a drank, have fun, try dance even if it's just for a little bit. Be disappointed by the lack of quality men at bars, talk about it with all your other single girlfriends and pact to keep going out together but definitely not for the men.
eight. LOVE again, some day. Don't look for it. Sometimes (if you're a romantic) it's easy to forget there's more of a point to our existence than that intoxicating feeling of being 'in love'. Half the time the feelings a trap anyway so just get on with making your days and self happy.

Say cheese.

And don't take other peoples advice.

xR

Photos: Alison Scarpulla, Feaverish

hello

I have missed blogging. Sharing, connecting, venting, challenging, discovering. I have seen a lot but I haven't shared. I have had time for people, but I have kept to myself. I have too many thoughts and let them go round and round my head. I have had ideas, but haven't implemented them.

I have learnt that for me, more emotion -or at least emotion that brings action- comes from my heartbreak & trials than love & stability. My loneliest days last year brought the most viewed, commented, frequent and real posts. I forged ahead with work and was given new opportunities that I took on boldly. I wrote and noticed things about myself and how I relate to the world around me. I took time to dream a dream for my future. Something that seemed like a far off fantasy...that I can't even seem to remember now.

And then I stopped. Or slowed down at least.

I aim to get this back not this year, or this month - NOW, tomorrow, the day after....and the one after that. Not the heartbreak part but the activating bettering part of me that gets switched on with it.

Oh and I like the 'personal' section of photographers website the best. I mean, why not get personal?

Photos: Sofia Sanchez & Mauro Mongiello

tomorrow

I hate all this silly religion,
but you, God, I trust.



I'm leaping and singing in the circle of your love;
you saw my pain,
you disarmed my tormentors,
You didn't leave me in their clutches
but gave me room to breathe.



Be kind to me, God—
I'm in deep, deep trouble again.
I've cried my eyes out;
I feel hollow inside.



Desperate, I throw myself on you:
Hour by hour I place my days in your hand,
safe from the hands out to get me.
Don't embarrass me by not showing up;
I've given you plenty of notice.



His love is the wonder of the world.

Trapped by a siege, I panicked.
"Out of sight, out of mind," I said.
But you heard me say it,
you heard and listened.



Be brave. Be strong. Don't give up.
Expect Him to get here soon.



Photos: Helen Korpak
Words: The Message

damned

"There is a fine line between your goodness and your hell, I have stopped searching."

I have to.



Photos: Alex Jennings

pierced

Q. How do you say goodbye to someone who is already gone?
A. Easy! Publish things you journalled about them whilst they were around on a forum they will never read.

Lucky you. If it wasn't midnight I wouldn't even consider posting this. But I do quite enjoy looking back at my angst-ridden youthful writing and finding it at the very least, and if nothing else, amusing.

Goodbye
x

Photo & words: Rachel Kara

the time to come

First things first, milkshakes are simply delicious cold beverages of various flavours and I thought the picture was worth a post because 1) Kelis is pretty ultimate and 2) I guess I wouldn't mind boys in my backyard just for like a bbq or winter jacuzzi or something like that. I don't warm it up though. If you don't follow - don't worry.

Hey so I'm kind of bored of me, another human to diffuse my thoughts and energies on would be ideal. As sick as it is I would be more than happy to be consumed by someone at the moment. It's winter, work is a little slow, it's cold, I've got plenty of evenings free, my feet get cold at night and I've got a new plush bed. Like I said....ideal right? Distract, unfocus, unsettle. I'll take it all.
If I advertise as a seasonal positional that's only 3 months which is perfect as I tend to get a little restless a little too quickly for any mans longevity (correction) as any many who crosses my path with potential longevity are the types* that are too restless for me.

Previous candidates have failed to meet requirements so consider applications officially open - apply within.

Maybe that's it.

Photos: Tumblr assortment

*my 'type' has a proven track record of being dark, handsome, clever, a little troubled and keep me guessing - always. ((sighhh))

nobody pretend. just be.

I am about to get into my freshly made white sheeted bed but the ocean is a little cold at the moment. It's times like these I wish I was a mermaid...genuine wish. A month or two on the sandy floor would be great - I'd let the world keep progressing & rejoin shortly enough.

I'm both fascinated and disappointing by the commonality of human thought & emotion. Do we ever feel something that no one ever has before? 

Photo: Adam Taylor

the sum of all your words do not equate

 

window seat

Hands of one I love.


The table at which we sat.


Mid doing of my hurr hair, opposed to erm framing my head with triangles to get my picture taken.

The love we share spills over the edges and drips down for all to see.

blue turning grey over you

 

Photos: Zanita,  NewYorkCityLights, Billy Kidd, Nicole Bentley, unknown, Rachel Kara, The Sartorialist,  unknown for Lula, Picasso